23
Feb
15

Finally down

Down two pounds yesterday and .2 today.  That feels better.  Now let’s just keep this going in the same direction.  I have travel this week.  That’s going to be rough.  I’m taking Atkins bars and nuts with me and hoping for the best.

I made the chili this weekend.  Made it and cleaned up the kitchen twice: after assembling it I cleaned all the things I’d used in making it, and then after it was done I cleaned the crockpot.  I’m very proud of myself.  I also did the laundry and put everything away when I was done.  I don’t know why I need to praise myself after doing these common chores, but I do, so I do it.  I was a good girl.

20
Feb
15

Addendum

And my period’s started.  I don’t think I could be happier unless I was in the midst of a pregnancy scare.  I’ll surely be down tomorrow.

20
Feb
15

Up Again. Frustrated.

I’m up 1.6 pounds today.  Gross.  I’d better be premenstrual.  Never have I been so happy to see acne.

I asked Mandy to be my diet buddy, and she agreed.  I have to tell her or text her every day, and she’ll get on my case if I don’t.  I’m really happy I asked, and proud of myself for asking.  It helps, I think, that Mandy herself is thin.  I would feel bad telling Chante I lost weight for multiple days in a row, especially when she’d have a very hard time following a low carb plan herself.

I actually slept well last night, waking up at 5:48 instead of 5:00.  I feel pretty good except for the lack of weight loss.

I’ve been thinking about my showing this blog to Leah, now that I’ve told her about it.  There’s a lot of angst and whinging in this blog, and that embarrasses me.  If I wanted people to see it, I’d make it public.  On the other hand, one certainly should not be afraid of baring one’s emotions to one’s therapist.  And I try so hard to be honest, and this is the honest truth about how I feel sometimes.  It’s nothing to be ashamed of, so long as I’m not dumping on people all the time.  If you’re somewhat reserved, you can be honest about the bad things in your life.

19
Feb
15

Up Again Today

I was up half a pound today.  I want to say I hate it, but the truth is I feel resigned to it.  Didn’t I know this was coming?  I’d lose weight down to where I plateaued last time and then get stuck.  I might be premenstrual.  I really hope I am so this will be over in a week or so.  But I just can’t help but think I’m going to be fat forever.  What is the point of expensive diet foods and stress when I could be eating Goldfish crackers and chocolate covered pretzels?

I’m probably going to have to get back on the exercycle.  I loathe the idea.

New idea: get up when your alarm goes off and if your weight is the same or higher, get on the bike for ten minutes.  If your weight is down, you can skip it.  That’s probably a bad idea; it feels like I’m punishing myself for gaining when I haven’t done anything wrong.  But it’s all I can come with.

18
Feb
15

Made it One Week

I went back on my diet one week ago. So far I’ve lost 9.6 pounds.

Leah convinced me to start writing again.  I really need this source of emotional relief.  But now that I’ve written that I have no idea what to write.  But I do notice that when I don’t write regularly, it means I’m getting ready to cheat.  So I’ll write.

18
Jun
14

Day 8, Redux

Day 8.  358.  Down a pound even though I pigged out on sushi last night.

I wish it were as easy to stay on a diet as it is to start one.  I’m down 11 pounds.  Yesterday was an official day, and if I lose weight at the rate I’m currently losing, I’ll be -18 pounds by my birthday next year.  *smirk*

OK, it will eventually settle down to a pound every few days.  And that’s when I will start to feel uninspired and go off the diet.  Again.  And start gaining weight back.  Again.  And get all depressed about it.  Again.

I don’t want to look like a supermodel.  (Well, I do, but I know I won’t.)  Right now I just want to be under 300 pounds, so that I can fit in a single airline seat comfortably.  That’s all I want.  300 pounds.  

I want to be thin more than I want to win the lottery.  More than I want to find a boyfriend and get laid.  More than I want world peace.  Which is depressing as hell, if you think about it, but there it is.  I don’t want to have these knees and these ankles and always wear these comfortable shoes with the arch supports.  I don’t want size 12 underwear and bras with 44 band size and 2X shirts and size 26 skirts.  

I admit that I’m past the point where I will be young and pretty and sexy, but could I at least not be gross any more?

15
Jun
14

Here we go again

*sigh*

365.  Down four pounds since Friday.




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